Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
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The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
the official breakfast of 2021
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.