My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
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Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.