Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
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“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon