Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
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DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.