I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
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So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?