“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
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Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Hard not to take this personally
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.