Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
You Might Also Like
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
When you’ve simply given up.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
thanksgiving should be called feaster
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that