*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
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kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Breaking news:
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.