Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
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I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
I feel it
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Perfect.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.