PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
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5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
So sick of all these stupid rules
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Cucumbers Anonymous
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*