When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
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the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.