[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
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Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
The options really are this bad
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere