Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
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Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
this is funnier than any friends episode
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Ion see the issue
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.