My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
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The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
jesus, what did this guy do
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?