Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
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I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
my mind
You just read my mind
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]