I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
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IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Yup!
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.