A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
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My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
reduce, reuse, recycle
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.