The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
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Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
The booster protects against what, now?
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Just had my nails done!
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
scrabbled eggs
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]