I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
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[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Boom, boom, ching!
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?