[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
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[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.