Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
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Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
(by @ZachWeiner )
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.