Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
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1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.