When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
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My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.