So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
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Lassie, get help!
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!