no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
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It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.