Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
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Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
emergency phone