14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
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Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.