INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
You Might Also Like
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*