My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
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Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.