Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
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Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.