FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
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[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Well, this certainly took a turn
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
jesus, what did this guy do
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Facebook Twitter
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing