Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
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Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me