My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
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Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.