I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
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Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I want to meet the individual who made this
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”