you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
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wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.