Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
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[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie