Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
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Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger