so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
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what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers