The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
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Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
File under excellent bookstore names.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
S/o to @funTweeters .
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.