USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
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Who chose this font
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
The news is so predictable nowadays
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
This classic never gets old . . .
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.