Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
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*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan