[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
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This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.