[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
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“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
remember
only for emergencies
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.