When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
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[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I am having an out of money experience.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.