me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
You Might Also Like
Ok who’s got my black socks?
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.