“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
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I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma