Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
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Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
How to make infinite energy.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
I bet birds love this building.