Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
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The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
rise and shine we got egg
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.