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As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”