I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
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I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…